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Army Attack Helicopters Level

George Town Water Front

By: Hunter Thomas

Washington DC ‑ U.S. Army helicopters yesterday conducted what was termed a pre‑emptive strike against the George Town Water Front. According to a source inside the Pentagon, Army Specialist Samual Simmons was in command of 6 choppers conducting a routine patrol of the Potomac Delta when he reported taking unfriendly fire from the George Town Sculling team. The choppers returned fire destroying the sculling team, fifteen small motor boats, 62 jet skis, and most of the water front area.

Eyewitnesses to the attack said they saw no gun fire coming from the sculling team but did report drunken marines throwing beer cans at the choppers that might have provoked the attack. A total of 36 people were hurt, most of them suffering from non-related alcohol poisoning and sexually transmitted diseases. Some of the victims who had been blown into the river were so drunk that they were still clutching beer cans and calling out for shooters when they were picked up by rescue boats.

The Pentagon defended its decision to use force, claiming that the tossed beer cans could have easily blocked the turbine intakes of the choppers and sent them into the Potomac. They also claimed to have received a high level alert from the State Department which claimed that Iraqi Nationals might have used sail boats to launch an attack on the nations Capitol. The State Department had no comment but added, "those lying bastards across the river would say anything to cover their asses."