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Ask Ann,

Dear Ann, 

I have a problem. Every time I eat out with one friend of mine, she whips out cash and insists on paying. I know that on the surface it may seem that she's doing me a favor, but believe me, Ann, she's really just calling attention to the fact that she makes more money than me! How can I stop her diabolical plot to embarrass me?

Milton in Frederick

Dear Milton, 

You're absolutely right. Your "friend" isn't really your friend at all. She is manipulating you through the two greatest evils known to man‑‑money and food. She probably wants you to feel beholden to her so she can guilt you into sex later‑‑to reproduce her selfish genes!

Foolish girl. She doesn't know that all men are really homosexuals. Before she attempts to seduce you once again, ask her to come with you to my church, the Church of Castaway Spirits. There, you will learn that it is a sin for unmarried men and women to dine together unchaperoned. We will also encourage your friend to spend her ill‑gotten gains on more important things. Like the church.

Dear Ann,

Life seems to have lost its meaning for me. I no longer find joy in the simple things that used to make me happy: butterflies, shopping at the mall, watching my children play outside... I'm not complaining. My life is good. It's just that I can't enjoy it. For some reason, I don't have the same capacity for happiness that everyone around me seems to have. Why did I have to be so different from everyone else? 

Signed,

Blah in Falls Church

Dear Blah,

Sounds to me like being different from everyone else is the only thing you've got going for yourself. If I were you, I'd become an artist or musician. People will admire you even more because their compliments will roll off you like water off a duck's back. You should also become a Goth. This can be accomplished by donning a black cape, white makeup and a pair of fake fangs. Of course, your lifestyle doesn't quite fit with gothdom, so you'll have to lose the kids. They can be deposited at your nearest relative's house. Or morgue, it doesn't really matter which.

Of course, if can't bring yourself to change your lifestyle to fit your state of mind, I'd suggest popping a Prozac and getting over yourself.