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Congress Endorses “Bold New Economic Initiative”

Congress and Bank of America offer new program for people hurt by the economic downturn

By Met Lanigan Published November 18

Congress has once again stepped up to the plate in its battle against the current economic slump by offering to provide citizens with access to free credit applications provided by Bank of America, for credit card and loan refinancing. The plan, calls for access to free applications for all who request them.

“Well even throw in a pen to fill them out.” Said one beaming congressional staffer from Congressman Steny Homiers office.

The program initiated by Bank of America and endorsed by all 432 members of the house and 98 members of the Senate, is planned to begin this week as soon as the applications are shipped to Congressional and Senate offices on Capital Hill.

Congressman Frank Stemple (D) Alaska said; “this effort shows the American people where our heart is and that we have heard them and are trying to help. We are doing everything possible to assist people with finding help in dealing with the current economic downturn and this is just one of the many programs we plan to roll out in the upcoming months leading up to elections to really help people. By providing these Bank of America credit applications we are providing the American people with the opportunity to help turn their situation around.”

Details of the program were sketchy and not forth coming from congressional staffers.  From what the Toast was able to gather, the applications were being provided by Bank of America, which accidentally ordered over 4 billion paper applications late last year using money left over from the recent government bail out. Bank of America spokesman Ching Chang Ho informed the Toast that the paper application would be provided for free to anyone who needed one with the stipulation that they would have to come into the Congressional offices in Washington DC to get one. 

When the Toast inquired how a constitute in Bangor Alaska, would receive their application when the congressional office was over 6,000 miles away, he suggested that the applicant take a plane to Washington to pick up the free application, chiming in that the congressman’s office would not provide free postage to send out requested applications.

It was also unclear what the application actually was for. When the Toast contacted Bank of America for clarification, Spokesman Ching Chang would only say that the paper application was free and there was no guarantee of the applicant being granted any credit or home mortgage reduction.

Following a vote on legislation approving the “Light Up program” that Bank of America recently initiated, Bank of America officials hastily arraigned a press conference to announce the free application program. With 432 members of the house and 98 member of the Senate in attendance, Bank of America representatives handed out credit cards with 25,000 dollar prepaid credits on them to each of the Senators and Congressman and thanked the law makers for providing Bank of America with the opportunity to once again ‘help the American People’.

Once the credit cards were all handed out, a reporter from the Congressional Daily inquired about the usefulness of the program when in fact the same application was already available online.

Congressman Frank Hanely (R) Samoa stepped forward and held up his card proclaiming, “Bank of America is alright by me. I got mine, and now you can get your free application. This program works for all of us.”

When the reporter asked whether or not congressional staffers would help home owner’s negotiate their loans with Bank of America, Spokesman Ching Chang abruptly stepped in front of the congressman and shouted out. “Application is free! Press conference over! Now get out!”

When reporters persisted with questions directed towards departing congressman about if any applications had been approved, the sound of a roaring jet mysteriously began to blast out of the press office sound system and the members of the house and senate pointed up to the non existing plane and motioned that they could not hear reporters questions. 

To date, 4,585,267 applications have been filed, with only 652 approvals.  By coincidence 652 is exactly the same number of Congressman and Senators who attended the pres event and received their Bank of America cards. The House Budget office had no comment when we called to confirm this.  

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