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Congress Hears Testimony from Victims of Home Surgery Kits    

By: Hunter Thomas

Washington DC‑ The Health Department began hearings into potentially flawed home surgery kits. Distributed free as a public service by the Department of Health, the kits were funded by a bill passed in the house in order to cut Medicare payments and to address Americas growing health care needs. The kits were designed so that anyone could easily perform simple operations such as triple heart bypass surgery, amputations, kidney transplants and minor brain surgery. Over 2 million kits with names like Tumor Whacker, Arto‑Rooter and Brain Maker, have been in use for the past two years. During this time over 1,806,000 complaints and wrongful death suits have been filed against the manufacturer.

As the hearings commenced over 60,000 people in various stages of health and mental disorder lined up to testify. Some were missing eyes some were missing legs. One child, bless her heart, had no face.

Billy Blakelys father performed brain surgery on his 14 year old son Geep. As his father testified, Geep sat and began masturbating. His father paused, gave a heavy sigh, and continued with his testimony.

"Using my Black and Decker circular saw I took off the top of Geeps little ol head and I used a soldering iron to stop the bleeding." At this point a congressman blurted out "My god man! You used a regular saw to cut off the top of your sons head?"  Mr. Blakely responded. "That’s what it said here in these instructions. It said to use a hand saw, a table saw or a power saw". The congressman, obviously angered, responded. "What kind of idiot cuts off the top of his kids head with a power saw?" The father, taken back a little continued. "Oh he was alright after that, told me so himself. Anyway, I took the scalpel, and cut some of Geeps wires like it said here in the instructions and Geep went stupid on me. He hasn't been the same since".

Mrs. Frank Grant testified that while she was performing open by‑pass on her sister Maggie that she accidentally used a portion of her sisters rectum in performing the graft. Another testified that she purchased the home vasectomy kit and botched the surgery so bad that they had to remove her husband's entire pubic region.

Howard Kellogg, spokesperson for the Healthy Co, Inc, which manufactures the kits, shocked panel members by performing a lung resection using one of the Home Surgery Kits. When the patient started screaming and spitting up blood, Kellogg yelled, "Is there a doctor in the house!” The hearing was adjourned pending further investigation.