The Washington Toast
Americas Favorite News Source
Satire, Opinions and Commentary

EPA Lifts Fishing Ban on the Potomac

Government says contaminated Fish is OK to eat

By‑Julie Thomas  

Washington DC ‑ The Environmental Protection agency today announced that the Potomac river is once again safe for fishing. Following weeks of exhaustive investigations, the EPA announced that fish in the Potomac river were not deformed by chemical agents as reported in the Washington Post. Just four weeks ago local resident, Sammy Spitter, shocked health care officials with his catch of the day. Not knowing what he had caught, Mr. spitter told officials that he had never seen anything so nasty as the fish he pulled in last week. "Man that was some ugly mother ****ing fish!", Spitter is reported at telling EPA officials.

EPA officials told reporters gathered at this mornings hastily called press conference that the fish were the result of natural evolution and that there was nothing to fear from eating the fish. Dr. Karl Platanski announced that after studying the fish, they could not figure out what kind they were. It was not until the good doctor tasted the fish that he knew the results. "These fish are the result of a natural process." He informed the press.

When asked about the rat fish, the doctor explained that the rats had simply had a few drinks too many and went down to the loading dock by the river and had their way with the fish. First reported as deformities, the doctor said that it was just a matter of time before nature produced a fish with two bodies, one head and three eyes .When asked about the size of the fish seen in the photo above, the doctor said that “nature will have it's way” and told reporters to leave the building before the room was flooded with anthrax.

Print Edition