The Washington Toast
Americas Favorite News Source
Satire, Opinions and Commentary

Horrorscopes

Virgo (Aug. 23‑Sept. 22) A family member will apologize for a birthday catastrophe‑‑or the catastrophe of your birth. Accept with a smile, then turn them in for food stamp fraud.

Libra (Sept. 23‑Oct.22) As always, Libra rules, man! Sensuality and style abound, prompting interested parties to kiss the ground you walk on. So be nice and avoid walking in dog doo. Aquarius involved.

Scorpio (Oct. 23‑Nov.21) Learn the difference between being misunderstood and being a big dork. Instead of brooding and acting depressed, try killing yourself. It will make people pay attention!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22‑Dec.21)Current cycle involves cramps and bloating. Relieve physical tension by emotionally abusing your loved ones. If you're a man, disregard this message. You'll have a great day unless someone shoots you in the abdomen.

Capricorn (Dec. 22‑Jan. 19) It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Actually, it's fun afterwards, too. A lost item will be returned‑‑just not your vision, ha ha. One‑eyed freak.

Aquarius (Jan. 20‑Feb. 18) "Hey, baby. I need ya like water. Can I get some play?" That's what I‑‑uh, I mean Libra‑‑will be saying to you today if you go ahead and wear that leather outfit. C'mon, please?

Pisces (Feb. 19‑March 20) Something smells fishy, and this time it's not the Whiskas sandwich you had for lunch. Could it be a new one of your unrealistic pipe dreams? News flash: those daydreams may help you tolerate present situation, but won't pay the mortgage on your double‑wide trailer.

Aries (March 21‑April 19) Your strong opinions are interpreted as "being a jerk" by others around you. Be careful not to butt heads with superiors today or you'll get your butt fired.

 Taurus (April 20‑May 20) Play cards, bet on horses, invest in stocks. It's your lucky day! You can't lose, so why not make it interesting? Say, your pinkie finger for the Cadillac across the street? (Note from lawyers: Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. Astrological casting is not a reliable predictor of the future. Caz and The Washington Toast cannot be held responsible for gambling losses. Nine‑fingered freak!)

Gemini (May 21‑June 20) Aries and Cancer play leading romantic roles. You're not very good at choosing, so don't! Let them fight it out. It'll be fun to watch. Afterwards, announce your boredom with them both and find a suitable piece of produce that can really satisfy your needs.

Cancer (June 21‑July 22) The moon in your house indicates mental anguish. Redress the situation by telling the offender to put his pants back on and get the hell off your property.

Leo (July 23‑Aug. 22) Your customary roar is little more than a meow today. Note: Smoking crack isn't too good for the ol' vocal chords. But don't let that stop you from telling off that ho from across the street. Use body language if necessary.

IF DECEMBER IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Congratulations! Your birthday is the same month as The Washington Toast's premiere issue! You are funny, sarcastic, and often morbid. You hate your boring job and secretly yearn to travel across country on a Harley, stopping only at gas stations and diners whose names include the word "Bubba's," beckoning to you in heavenly neon. Good luck, bro. Your lucky numbers are 270 and 66. Marry a transsexual Pisces late in life. And for God's sake, take that horrible thing out of your mouth!