How to Raise a Serial Killer - The Washington Toast: Americas Favorite News Source

Child and Family

How to Raise a Serial Killer

Ask Dr. Lorna by Dr Lorna Hesch, MD, PHD, Child and Family Counselor

Dear Doctor Lorna,

I read your column all the time and I was wondering if you could help us. We live in a small town where hardly anyone gets famous. Didn't some famous person say everyone gets fifteen minutes of fame? I am 34 years old and I want mine. My son is twenty‑two months old and I thought if he became a serial killer, even the youngest serial killer, I could write a book and be on Oprah and Jerry Springer. A lot of people are raising them these days but I can't sort through all the information. Do you have guidelines for raising a serial killer?

Hungry for Fame in Spring Green.

Dear Hungry,

It's easier to raise a serial killer than you think. And you are already on your way. Your interest in recognition at any cost is a sure sign you've got the right stuff and you have probably passed those genes on to your son. Here are my top five suggestions. Feel free to carry them out to their natural resolution or improvise and devise new techniques from those that work for you. Enjoy!

1. This is the most important step and you will find ways to apply it to every area of your son's life. Create an environment where everyone everywhere is perceived as competition. This can begin right now while he is young. Be sure to compare him with every other toddler you or he encounters; number of teeth, number of baby syllables, number of steps, speed climbing stairs, quality of bowel movements. You name it and you'll be able to make a competition out of it.

2. Remember that children do what you do. Therefore it is necessary that you always act out your hostility towards other adults who have what you want. Be sure to reinforce the idea that somehow 'they got your share' and never infer that 'they earned theirs honestly'. This helps your child to maintain a belief in scarcity rather than abundance. A firm belief in scarcity and lack will make a predator out of just about anyone. In other words, when you 'keep up with the Jones' ' be sure to do it plainly and openly. Your overt lust, greed and materialism will make it easy for your son to model this behavior by easily conforming to peer‑pressure in the not so distant future.

3. Set unrealistic goals whenever possible. Never take into consideration your son's individual make‑up and obvious areas of potential. Instead, project your own unfulfilled hopes and dreams onto him thereby making him directly responsible for every moment of your unhappiness for the rest of his natural life. Be sure to refer to 'all those things you might have done' and 'all those ways you might have been great' if only your plans hadn't been destroyed by becoming a parent. Be sure to do this in his presence.

4. Find the shallowest role models possible. Rich people with no souls are a good choice. Their wealth makes them great examples of how money insulates the rich and characterizes them as eccentric rather than lethal. Also consider sports heroes whose drug and sexual misconduct are ignored because they serve a global need for others to bond on the lowest level possible‑‑ conquest. Don't overlook religious icons, current and past. Maintaining a belief that these people are supernatural rather than ordinary mortals, who did one great thing, is a good gauge for your child's delusion potential.

5. And finally, a technique guaranteed to make a lunatic out of virtually anyone. Never let him finish a sentence. Never. Interrupt him two‑thirds of the way through whatever he says so that he is forced to mouth breathe. Mouth breathing releases the most violent and combative brain chemicals, causes gastro‑intestinal distress and has been linked to food intolerance. A toxic child is a barrel of trouble waiting to happen!


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Child and Family How to Raise a Serial Killer Ask Dr. Lorna by Dr Lorna Hesch, MD, PHD, Child and Family Counselor Dear Doctor Lorna, I read your column all the time and I was wondering if you could help us. We live in a small town where hardly anyone gets famous. Didn't some famous person say everyone gets fifteen minutes of fame? I am 34 years old and I want mine. My son is twenty‑two months old and I thought if he became a serial killer, even the youngest serial killer, I could write a book and be on Oprah and Jerry Springer. A lot of people are raising them these days but I can't sort through all the information. Do you have guidelines for raising a serial killer? Hungry for Fame in Spring Green. Dear Hungry, It's easier to raise a serial killer than you think. And you are already on your way. Your interest in recognition at any cost is a sure sign you've got the right stuff and you have probably passed those genes on to your son. Here are my top five suggestions. Feel free to carry them out to their natural resolution or improvise and devise new techniques from those that work for you. Enjoy! 1. This is the most important step and you will find ways to apply it to every area of your son's life. Create an environment where everyone everywhere is perceived as competition. This can begin right now while he is young. Be sure to compare him with every other toddler you or he encounters; number of teeth, number of baby syllables, number of steps, speed climbing stairs, quality of bowel movements. You name it and you'll be able to make a competition out of it. 2. Remember that children do what you do. Therefore it is necessary that you always act out your hostility towards other adults who have what you want. Be sure to reinforce the idea that somehow 'they got your share' and never infer that 'they earned theirs honestly'. This helps your child to maintain a belief in scarcity rather than abundance. A firm belief in scarcity and lack will make a predator out of just about anyone. In other words, when you 'keep up with the Jones' ' be sure to do it plainly and openly. Your overt lust, greed and materialism will make it easy for your son to model this behavior by easily conforming to peer‑pressure in the not so distant future. 3. Set unrealistic goals whenever possible. Never take into consideration your son's individual make‑up and obvious areas of potential. Instead, project your own unfulfilled hopes and dreams onto him thereby making him directly responsible for every moment of your unhappiness for the rest of his natural life. Be sure to refer to 'all those things you might have done' and 'all those ways you might have been great' if only your plans hadn't been destroyed by becoming a parent. Be sure to do this in his presence. 4. Find the shallowest role models possible. Rich people with no souls are a good choice. Their wealth makes them great examples of how money insulates the rich and characterizes them as eccentric rather than lethal. Also consider sports heroes whose drug and sexual misconduct are ignored because they serve a global need for others to bond on the lowest level possible‑‑ conquest. Don't overlook religious icons, current and past. Maintaining a belief that these people are supernatural rather than ordinary mortals, who did one great thing, is a good gauge for your child's delusion potential. 5. And finally, a technique guaranteed to make a lunatic out of virtually anyone. Never let him finish a sentence. Never. Interrupt him two‑thirds of the way through whatever he says so that he is forced to mouth breathe. Mouth breathing releases the most violent and combative brain chemicals, causes gastro‑intestinal distress and has been linked to food intolerance. A toxic child is a barrel of trouble waiting to happen!