Interview with Satan - The Washington Toast: Americas Favorite News Source

Interview with Satan

By ‑ Caz

It wasn't easy getting the dark lord to agree to an interview. As a general policy, he doesn't do interviews. Says he doesn't want to reveal any trade secrets. But that all changed once we got a little liquor in him. We had to play dirty to get him to talk. Luckily for us, he forgot all about our little "I'd sell my soul for a Cadillac" fake‑out after a bottle of Jack Daniels. That's how we wound up spending a recent Friday night across the table from Satan at a local dive, ignoring the drunken fools who commented on our interviewee's "nice costume".

Toast: First things first, What's your preferred title?

Satan: Well, my business cards say Mephistopheles, but you can call me Satan. You know, I just think it sounds cool to say, "Tell them Satan sent you."

Toast: Okay, Satan! Now, you've been getting quite a reputation around town as a bad boy. For instance, some of your detractors say you made that teen mother in Virginia put her baby in the microwave. Is this true?

Satan: Oh please! I never made anybody do anything. I just reminded that woman it was time to warm up the bottle. And then gave her hallucinations so she thought the baby looked and awful lot LIKE a bottle. So you see, I didn't really have a hell of a lot to do with it.

Toast: Of course! And you were actually doing her a favor, since everybody knows you can get food poisoning from raw babies! Speaking of which, do you think your childhood played a part in your current career choice of evil incarnate?

Satan: (ordering another bottle of Jack): Funny you should mention it, Caz, but I didn't actually have a childhood. I mean, it's been a long time, so I don't really remember too well, but when God told me he was my Father, I was like, "Holy shit! Just like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, "cept the other way around!" We'd been nemeses so long I'd forgotten all about him creating me. Now I have one more reason to kick His lily white ass! Missed birthdays!

Toast: Huh. I guess that would clear up the whole Nature versus Nurture debate, anyway...

Satan: What are you talking about? God's an awful Father! He kicked me out of the house and never spoke to me again.

Toast: Sorry to bring up such a sore subject. Let's talk about something more upbeat. Do you think you could tell us a little about what Hell is like? I mean, we've heard it's pretty hot down there, but are there any benefits?

Satan: The minions are all on Aetna.

Toast: I mean for the lost souls.

Satan: Well, aside from the heat and the smell and the constant torture, there are some things a lot of our guests really enjoy. For instance, the smokers seem pretty happy with my smoking policy. And every Saturday night we have a big orgy. Try finding one of THOSE in Heaven!

Toast: So, can you tell if I'm going to Hell?

Satan: Absolutely! And everyone who laughs at your jokes, too!

Toast: So your guests all have a sense of humor, then?

Satan: Not all of them. But you know, a couple of gatecrashers told me St. Peter didn't even crack a smile when they told him the one about him, the nuns and the holy water.

Toast: Which version? The one with them rinsing their mouths out or the one where they pee in the holy water?

Satan: Uh, there are two? Jesus, you really ARE going to Hell, aren't you?

Toast: That's a shame.

Satan: Not really. All the cool people go there. Elvis, Marilyn Monroe...

Toast: Really? Who's your favorite denizen?

Satan: Let's see... I'd have to say Jimi Hendrix. It's always fun to tease him about his 'fro. And he always knows where to get the best pot.

Toast: You have pot in Hell?

Satan: Oh, it can't grow there, but I usually have Martha Stewart smuggle some down in pillowcases when she comes to help me decorate.

Toast: You're decorating with Martha Stewart?

Satan: Yes, I thought it would give the place a sense of consistency if the towels in the acid baths matched the curtains. We decided on lime green to bring out the color of the acid.

Toast: Speaking of being gay‑‑ everyone's wondering how accurately you were portrayed by the South Park movie. ARE you attracted to Saddam Hussein?

Satan: Hell no! He's not my type. But some of the boys in Hell do look pretty good. Most of them go shirtless down there. Of course, I used to only be about women. Remember those witches in the colonies? Let’s just say they spelled bitches with a "w" back then. Thems was my bitches. But I have to keep up with the times. You know, I'm always willing to try something new and sinful.

Toast: I bet a lot of people have misconceptions about you. What in you experience has been the biggest misconception people have about you?

Satan: I think the biggest misconception people have about me is that I start wars. I don't really favor wars because when that many people die, I have to work around the clock to check everybody in. It exhausts me and I feel bad that I don't get to spend enough quality time with each individual. And by the way, I don’t do famines or plagues, either.

Satan: Make them evil. Duh. I don't care when the die, just as long as they come to me in the end. And I'm subtle about it. Who's idea to you think the Jerry Springer Show was?

Toast: You designed that show? Lemme shake your hand! But seriously, who would you endorse for the 2012 presidential election?

Satan: I'd say I'd have to go with Mit. We're both against abortion. I think all fetuses should be given the opportunity to grow up evil.

Toast: Hey, it looks like we're almost out of time. Thanks for talking with us. Do you have any parting advice on what to do this Halloween?

Satan: As I said before, I'm a big advocate of change. So instead of putting razor blades in your apples or coating unwrapped candy corny in cyanide (kids have been warned about these), try injecting Rohypnol (Rufies) into wrapped candy bars. I find Mounds works best. It's barely detectable and the kids will have hours of fun wandering around aimlessly in traffic. Best of all, your overall bustability quotient will be lowered by the fact that the kids won't remember where they got the "funny" candy.


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Interview with Satan By ‑ Caz It wasn't easy getting the dark lord to agree to an interview. As a general policy, he doesn't do interviews. Says he doesn't want to reveal any trade secrets. But that all changed once we got a little liquor in him. We had to play dirty to get him to talk. Luckily for us, he forgot all about our little "I'd sell my soul for a Cadillac" fake‑out after a bottle of Jack Daniels. That's how we wound up spending a recent Friday night across the table from Satan at a local dive, ignoring the drunken fools who commented on our interviewee's "nice costume". Toast: First things first, What's your preferred title? Satan: Well, my business cards say Mephistopheles, but you can call me Satan. You know, I just think it sounds cool to say, "Tell them Satan sent you." Toast: Okay, Satan! Now, you've been getting quite a reputation around town as a bad boy. For instance, some of your detractors say you made that teen mother in Virginia put her baby in the microwave. Is this true? Satan: Oh please! I never made anybody do anything. I just reminded that woman it was time to warm up the bottle. And then gave her hallucinations so she thought the baby looked and awful lot LIKE a bottle. So you see, I didn't really have a hell of a lot to do with it. Toast: Of course! And you were actually doing her a favor, since everybody knows you can get food poisoning from raw babies! Speaking of which, do you think your childhood played a part in your current career choice of evil incarnate? Satan: (ordering another bottle of Jack): Funny you should mention it, Caz, but I didn't actually have a childhood. I mean, it's been a long time, so I don't really remember too well, but when God told me he was my Father, I was like, "Holy shit! Just like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, "cept the other way around!" We'd been nemeses so long I'd forgotten all about him creating me. Now I have one more reason to kick His lily white ass! Missed birthdays! Toast: Huh. I guess that would clear up the whole Nature versus Nurture debate, anyway... Satan: What are you talking about? God's an awful Father! He kicked me out of the house and never spoke to me again. Toast: Sorry to bring up such a sore subject. Let's talk about something more upbeat. Do you think you could tell us a little about what Hell is like? I mean, we've heard it's pretty hot down there, but are there any benefits? Satan: The minions are all on Aetna. Toast: I mean for the lost souls. Satan: Well, aside from the heat and the smell and the constant torture, there are some things a lot of our guests really enjoy. For instance, the smokers seem pretty happy with my smoking policy. And every Saturday night we have a big orgy. Try finding one of THOSE in Heaven! Toast: So, can you tell if I'm going to Hell? Satan: Absolutely! And everyone who laughs at your jokes, too! Toast: So your guests all have a sense of humor, then? Satan: Not all of them. But you know, a couple of gatecrashers told me St. Peter didn't even crack a smile when they told him the one about him, the nuns and the holy water. Toast: Which version? The one with them rinsing their mouths out or the one where they pee in the holy water? Satan: Uh, there are two? Jesus, you really ARE going to Hell, aren't you? Toast: That's a shame. Satan: Not really. All the cool people go there. Elvis, Marilyn Monroe... Toast: Really? Who's your favorite denizen? Satan: Let's see... I'd have to say Jimi Hendrix. It's always fun to tease him about his 'fro. And he always knows where to get the best pot. Toast: You have pot in Hell? Satan: Oh, it can't grow there, but I usually have Martha Stewart smuggle some down in pillowcases when she comes to help me decorate. Toast: You're decorating with Martha Stewart? Satan: Yes, I thought it would give the place a sense of consistency if the towels in the acid baths matched the curtains. We decided on lime green to bring out the color of the acid. Toast: Speaking of being gay‑‑ everyone's wondering how accurately you were portrayed by the South Park movie. ARE you attracted to Saddam Hussein? Satan: Hell no! He's not my type. But some of the boys in Hell do look pretty good. Most of them go shirtless down there. Of course, I used to only be about women. Remember those witches in the colonies? Let’s just say they spelled bitches with a "w" back then. Thems was my bitches. But I have to keep up with the times. You know, I'm always willing to try something new and sinful. Toast: I bet a lot of people have misconceptions about you. What in you experience has been the biggest misconception people have about you? Satan: I think the biggest misconception people have about me is that I start wars. I don't really favor wars because when that many people die, I have to work around the clock to check everybody in. It exhausts me and I feel bad that I don't get to spend enough quality time with each individual. And by the way, I don’t do famines or plagues, either. Toast: So, if you don't kill people, what DO you do? Satan: Make them evil. Duh. I don't care when the die, just as long as they come to me in the end. And I'm subtle about it. Who's idea to you think the Jerry Springer Show was? Toast: You designed that show? Lemme shake your hand! But seriously, who would you endorse for the 2012 presidential election? Satan: I'd say I'd have to go with Mit. We're both against abortion. I think all fetuses should be given the opportunity to grow up evil. Toast: Hey, it looks like we're almost out of time. Thanks for talking with us. Do you have any parting advice on what to do this Halloween? Satan: As I said before, I'm a big advocate of change. So instead of putting razor blades in your apples or coating unwrapped candy corny in cyanide (kids have been warned about these), try injecting Rohypnol (Rufies) into wrapped candy bars. I find Mounds works best. It's barely detectable and the kids will have hours of fun wandering around aimlessly in traffic. Best of all, your overall bustability quotient will be lowered by the fact that the kids won't remember where they got the "funny" candy.