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The Myth of the Subway Pulled Pork Sandwich

What is really amazing about corporate mass marketing is just how far the reach into our skulls their capacity is, and what compels us to respond to ads. Take for example the one I saw the other day on television featuring a “pulled pork special” sandwich from Subway.

The ad, which was pretty basic in its concept, shows two pieces of bread being piled high with animal flesh and then shoved into an oven. The accompanying narration goes something like this.

“What makes our sandwich so great is that there is more of it to love.”

Which is typical overweight, bloated American corporate food baiting employing brilliant niche market targeting techniques that combine the images of bubbling melting cheese dripping all over a carved up animal on a bun and the unrealistic reality of an image of a beautiful sexy women dressed in a small bikini with her mouth gaping open ready to eat it. I saw the commercial once, and then forgot about it. At least that’s what I thought.

Unbeknownst to me, corporate America had once again for the millionth time in my life, committed assault and battery on my cerebral cortex and implanted a subliminal message that would cause the reluctant expenditure of cash.

A few hours later, I was the kind of hungry that if the opportunity would have presented it’s self, I would have eaten the hind end out of a menstruating skunk.  My eyes were bugging, my mouth was salivating and I needed animal flesh on a bun stat!  So where was the first place that I walk into?  A fucking Subway!  While I wasn’t sure why I walked in, you can bet your blue jean, purchased at Wal-Mart ass that corporate America knew why I was walking in.  Entering the Subway fast food sloppery, it all came together so fast that my mind almost overloaded.

As I stood there gawking at the poster depicting a “pulled pork sandwich” in all of it’s Madison avenue artistic glory, my pupils dilated, saliva over flowed my mouth and my nostrils flared as I smelled the flesh being cooked up in a microwave. I also got a little sexually aroused by the drop dead beautiful girl in the picture who had her mouth wide open ready to receive the sub shaped pulled pork sandwich. As I stood there quivering from hunger and sensory overload, I almost passed out.

My stomach roared, cramped and gurgled at the same time, and I found myself contemplating homicide when the guy in front of me ordered a ‘pulled pork sandwich’ and then had the audacity to have the lady behind the counter pile on all of the fixings, a process which was delaying me from sinking my fangs into the beast on a bun.

Finally it was my turn.

By this time I was past the point of human dignity hungry. My primordial animal instincts had taken over and I was no longer in control of all of my senses. “I want Pulled Pork Sandwich now!” I barked out as a long slobber of drool dripped out of my mouth and onto the counter.

The startled employee looked up and pointed to a sign that read; “Due to unprecedented demand, no more pulled pork is available on the entire east coast”.  The sign also went on to explain that the pork pig had been placed on a temporary endangered species list.

I couldn’t believe it! No more pulled pork! I looked over at the guy who was sitting at one of the tables eating the last of his last pulled pork sandwich. He saw the look in my eye and knew that I was a threat to his food source. I salivated and watched in horror as he stuffed the last half of the sandwich down his mouth in a single thrust. As I watched the food lump grow in his stomach I felt the urge to reach over and claw away at his flesh and extract the sandwich with brute force.

It was then, during this horrifying flash of possible reality that I realized that corporate America had once again gained the upper hand. There may not have been a pulled pork sandwich available for me to cram down my gizzard, but there were other types of food substances available that Subway would be more then happy to charge me for. I was defeated, hungry, and they were about to make more money through the corporate act of criminal mind control.

How did I show my disdain? I bought two full size sandwiches made out of some meat like substance, a biggie bag of chips and a bucket size soda. I then sat down and quickly devoured the substandard fare feeling grateful for the fact that I was not going to do hard time for disgorging a fellow human being and re eating his sandwich.

The whole advertising and marketing thing has gotten completely out of hand. Something needs to change. Because after all of this, the gorging of substandard food, the homicidal thoughts of ripping a sandwich from someone’s stomach, I still want that god damned “pulled pork sandwich”. I wanted it so bad that I check everyday on a government website to see if they had removed the pork pig off the endangered species list so Subway could once again begin slaughtering the creature and make me my fucking sandwich. Now I ask you, is this the behavior of a normal human being?