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Nuclear Sub Surfaces in Front of Jefferson Memorial

Captain claims he was not drinking that much

By Hunter Thomas, October 29,

Washington DC -Yesterday afternoon a nuclear submarine surfaced in the tidal basin in front of the Jefferson memorial sinking 128 paddle boats and surprising hundreds of tourist.  D.C. police and the Department of Defense quickly quarantined off the grounds of the monument and conducted a through search of the area. White house spokesman Larry Fischer told reporters that "The president was aware of the situation and that all questions should be reverted to the department of the Navy and the management of the civilian run concession stand. As of 4:30 p.m. the casualty count was 68 wounded civilians, four dead ducks, and 298 fish.

Navy department press officers fended off journalist questions about Navy incompetence by sternly lecturing journalist about just how difficult it was to navigate a ship of this size into such a small body of water and that "Jefferson would have been proud of what this brave captain accomplished." He also added that "accidents do happen and that the Navy department was waiting for a report from the concession operator before assessing blame and adding that although they were not pointing a finger, the concessionaire failed to warn the paddle boat operators of the offshore maneuvers that were being conducted 469 miles to the east, and the possible dangers associated with wayward subs.

"Those mother fuckers be lying!" commented Barry Peterson, one of the concessionaires, "It’s just an excuse that the Navy has come up with to avoid an expensive law suite and to put the blame on us. Besides, what the hell are they going to get out of us, a few hot dogs and some scuttled paddle boats?"

The Navy released a photo of a cocktail napkin with a hand drawn map of the tidal basin in front of the Jefferson memorial that was found on one of the defendants following a search by DC Police. The Navy has contended that this piece of evidence was proof that the concession stand operator had been warned about the maneuvers, and that he alone was responsible for the collision. Peterson responded to this allegation with one word. "Fuckers!"

The captain of the submarine, Captain Robert Lacy, spoke to the press during a hastily arraigned interview that was conducted with megaphones from the con tower of the sub with reporters standing on the shores of the tidal basin shouting out questions with their own megaphones. One journalist asked Lacy how a nuclear sub could stray over four hundred miles off course.

The captain picked up his megaphone, and pushed the talk button. He then proceeded to talk to the reporters listening intently on the banks of the basin. "In fact I’m not feeling well." He then lowered his megaphone to his side, and proceeded to vomit off the bridge of the sub. His megaphone was still on when he was over heard saying, "How about handing me a cold one sailor."

The Intrepid class series submarine was built in 1998 and as well as carrying a full awry of navigational and sonar equipment, the sub was also equipped with two nuclear reactors, 20 nuclear war heads, 36 nuclear armed cruise missiles and 22 Nuclear tipped torpedoes. When informed of the incident President Obama commented that " He did not order a sub" The press secretary momentarily leaned over and corrected the president. who with a surprised look on his face corrected himself. "Oh I thought you meant the submarine sandwich I ordered from down stairs."