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Police Use Heat Seeking Missiles to Curb Illegal Cell Phone Usage and Red Light Running

By Barry Forsite

Arlington VA - Fairfax county Police Chief Morris Adle announced today that patrol cars would be equipped with surplus stinger missiles in response to the current epidemic level of illegal cell phone usage and red light running. Following a catastrophic year that saw a 126% increase in car accidents caused by excessive cell phone usage, police took the extreme measurers to enforce the law that was not being taken seriously by county residents..

To punctuate his point, he also cited a recent incident where a rear end collision that took the lives of 62 nuns on their way on a gambling junket to Atlantic city which was caused by a driver using three different cell phones at the same time. Chief Morris wiped away a tear as he hoisted one of the weapons and fired it into a car zipping past a red light a few thousand feet away. When asked about the extreme use of force, the chief commented that the use of stinger missiles was the "only option that we had in making sure that our citizens obeyed the law".

According to a study commissioned by the Sheriffs department, which concluded that no matter what the police did, people would still use cell phones while driving unless we employed a system that used lethal force as a deterrent."

When questioned by a reporter about the possibility of law suites, the chief promptly had the journalist beaten and taken from the room. Outside the court house a spokesperson from the police department came out and explained  "People think it’s funny till they see that stinger missile heading toward them in their rear view mirror."

During the first week of the program 3,500 motor vehicles were blown up for vehicular illegal cell phone usage and red light running. The following week there have been no reports of illegal cell phone usage or red light running.in Arlington County. The Police Chief said that the department would not tow away the blown up cars in hope that they would act as a deterrent. Other counties are closely watching this program and have inquired with the Pentagon about the purchase of surplus hellcat missiles and military drones for public safety enforcement.