Singles - The Washington Toast: Americas Favorite News Source

Singles

Men Seeking Women

Dog groomer seeks mate. Longhair/shorthair. Breed irrelevant. Obedient bitch preferred.

Sci Fi geek, 52, fluent in Klingon. Do you have a mint edition complete set of all the Deep Space Nine books? Oh yeah, and a SWF, 18‑25? Must have own transportation.

Hygiene‑impaired GM, 28, seeks same to dish the dirt, talk dirty and do the nasty.

Are you the (next) one? You: stunning, loyal and sweet. Me: a sadistic bastard who will string you along until I have gained your complete trust (and booty access). Then I will tear out your heart, introduce it to my blender, and enjoy the ultimate protein shake. I know you're out there. Let's meet!

MWM, forties, executitve‑in‑chief of major world power, offers nurturing support for the right social climber starting from the bottom up. Must have lofty asspirations and titilating conversation.

Women Seeking Men

What, are you joking? Women can get play anytime they want!

I Saw You...

...picking your nose in traffic. Hope you found what you were looking for! You: red Beamer w/ tag AKJ 592. Me: laughing and pointing.

...necking on the subway. The two of you made me sick. It's bad enough to be that close to having sex in public, but did you have to draw even more attention to yourselves with sound effects? Next time, do us all a favor and get a room. And for God's sake, use a condom‑‑I can only begin to imagine what scary mutant children of yours might escape the maternity ward.

We made eye contact once on the street yesterday. Remember me? I was panhandling and you said, "Sorry, maybe next time." I was thinkin' maybe next time I'd splurge and take you out to McDonald's. I also know a nice quiet alleyway where we could get to know each other better. Shut up! She is not Emily! Emily died in '82! Olivia Newton John! You work for the government, don't you! WELL YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR IMPLANTS IN ME! I'LL KILL YOU FIRST! I ONCE KILLED A MAN WITH TELEKINESIS FOR STEALING MY THERMOS! DON'T F**K WITH MY THERMOS, YOU HEAR ME?!

Men Seeking Women

Light-skinned “black” pop star seeking bad boy to thrill. Must like animals, carousels, Bubbles, and Diana Ross. You don’t have to be a Whiz to realize your life will never be the same. Who cares about Billy Jean? I want you. Box # NAMBLA 5.

Stalker seeks prey. SWM ISO SWF who likes long walks alone, talking on the phone, undressing in front of uncurtained windows. Don’t call me--I’ll call you!

What’s your sign? SWM ISO sensitive SWF who’s too polite to say no. I’m a Cancer, which means you gotta die to get rid of me.

Are U pretty? ‘Cause I am. SWM ISO SWF who likes fashion, mirrors and doesn’t care about what’s underneath.

SWM, 84, millionaire, ISO nurse, 25, for “medication.” If I fall for you, will you help me up? I’m taking Viagra, so you won’t be disappointed.

Alcoholics anonymous. Do you love to drink? I do! Let’s wake up next to each other in a pool of our own vomit. Don’t tell me your name--I won’t remember it in the morning.

Cannibal boy, 30, ISO fresh meat. Dark meat preferred. Are you so cute I could eat you up?

Heroin addict ISO good vein. Can you take it without collapsing? Must like Lou Reed, Trainspotting, passing out on the floor and the color brown. I’ll break out the good silverware for the right one.

Velvet, Capital Ballroom. Me: blond, black Adidas track pants, no shirt. You: brunette, black Adidas track pants, no shirt. We made eye contact. Wish I’d spoken, but I was on K and fell down a flight of stairs. Let’s meet up!

I saw you through my night vision goggles, entering your teal 1998 Ford Taurus in the parking lot next to your work. You proceeded to Safeway to pick up a loaf of Wonderbread and a rotisserie chicken that you later ate while watching the news with your cat, Gus. Would you like someone to share the loveseat next time?

Where are you, my little lost Corona? I last saw you chillin’ w/ your friends, but I fear you have fallen prey to someone else. Did my roommate steal you away?

Me: walk of shame Sunday morning--in drag. Black mini skirt, make-up smeared, six-inch heels. You: “Porn star” T shirt, bleached blond hair, purple leggings. Brunch at Perry’s next Sunday?


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Singles Men Seeking Women Dog groomer seeks mate. Longhair/shorthair. Breed irrelevant. Obedient bitch preferred. Sci Fi geek, 52, fluent in Klingon. Do you have a mint edition complete set of all the Deep Space Nine books? Oh yeah, and a SWF, 18‑25? Must have own transportation. Hygiene‑impaired GM, 28, seeks same to dish the dirt, talk dirty and do the nasty. Are you the (next) one? You: stunning, loyal and sweet. Me: a sadistic bastard who will string you along until I have gained your complete trust (and booty access). Then I will tear out your heart, introduce it to my blender, and enjoy the ultimate protein shake. I know you're out there. Let's meet! MWM, forties, executitve‑in‑chief of major world power, offers nurturing support for the right social climber starting from the bottom up. Must have lofty asspirations and titilating conversation. Women Seeking Men What, are you joking? Women can get play anytime they want! I Saw You... ...picking your nose in traffic. Hope you found what you were looking for! You: red Beamer w/ tag AKJ 592. Me: laughing and pointing. ...necking on the subway. The two of you made me sick. It's bad enough to be that close to having sex in public, but did you have to draw even more attention to yourselves with sound effects? Next time, do us all a favor and get a room. And for God's sake, use a condom‑‑I can only begin to imagine what scary mutant children of yours might escape the maternity ward. We made eye contact once on the street yesterday. Remember me? I was panhandling and you said, "Sorry, maybe next time." I was thinkin' maybe next time I'd splurge and take you out to McDonald's. I also know a nice quiet alleyway where we could get to know each other better. Shut up! She is not Emily! Emily died in '82! Olivia Newton John! You work for the government, don't you! WELL YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR IMPLANTS IN ME! I'LL KILL YOU FIRST! I ONCE KILLED A MAN WITH TELEKINESIS FOR STEALING MY THERMOS! DON'T FK WITH MY THERMOS, YOU HEAR ME?! Men Seeking Women Light-skinned “black” pop star seeking bad boy to thrill. Must like animals, carousels, Bubbles, and Diana Ross. You don’t have to be a Whiz to realize your life will never be the same. Who cares about Billy Jean? I want you. Box # NAMBLA 5. Stalker seeks prey. SWM ISO SWF who likes long walks alone, talking on the phone, undressing in front of uncurtained windows. Don’t call me--I’ll call you! What’s your sign? SWM ISO sensitive SWF who’s too polite to say no. I’m a Cancer, which means you gotta die to get rid of me. Are U pretty? ‘Cause I am. SWM ISO SWF who likes fashion, mirrors and doesn’t care about what’s underneath. SWM, 84, millionaire, ISO nurse, 25, for “medication.” If I fall for you, will you help me up? I’m taking Viagra, so you won’t be disappointed. Alcoholics anonymous. Do you love to drink? I do! Let’s wake up next to each other in a pool of our own vomit. Don’t tell me your name--I won’t remember it in the morning. Cannibal boy, 30, ISO fresh meat. Dark meat preferred. Are you so cute I could eat you up? Heroin addict ISO good vein. Can you take it without collapsing? Must like Lou Reed, Trainspotting, passing out on the floor and the color brown. I’ll break out the good silverware for the right one. I Saw You...** Velvet, Capital Ballroom. Me: blond, black Adidas track pants, no shirt. You: brunette, black Adidas track pants, no shirt. We made eye contact. Wish I’d spoken, but I was on K and fell down a flight of stairs. Let’s meet up! I saw you through my night vision goggles, entering your teal 1998 Ford Taurus in the parking lot next to your work. You proceeded to Safeway to pick up a loaf of Wonderbread and a rotisserie chicken that you later ate while watching the news with your cat, Gus. Would you like someone to share the loveseat next time? Where are you, my little lost Corona? I last saw you chillin’ w/ your friends, but I fear you have fallen prey to someone else. Did my roommate steal you away? Me: walk of shame Sunday morning--in drag. Black mini skirt, make-up smeared, six-inch heels. You: “Porn star” T shirt, bleached blond hair, purple leggings. Brunch at Perry’s next Sunday? You: tall, drunk, urinating in corner at Paris Bisou. I yelled at you to stop, but you said you had to go--bad. I must admit, I caught a glimpse and wouldn’t mind a second look.