The Washington Toast
Americas Favorite News Source
Satire, Opinions and Commentary

HOME     POLITICS     NEWS BEAT     OPINIONS     TOAST POLITICAL SHOP     MULTIMEDIA     DC COMEDY SCENE

The True Cost of Higher Gas Prices

Corporate America hits us where it counts!

By: Hunter Thomas

Like everything in life, the gas station is not the public service we sometimes expect it to be.  It is a place designed, like everything else in society, by a corporate entity to drain every last cent out of you that is humanly possible.

While some of us can remember the pre self-serve days when dad would pull into a gas station and tell the guy to ‘filler-up.” Then of all things, a station attendant would race around the car checking the oil and cleaning the windows making sure to keep the customer satisfied. Today, you pull your bank owned car into a money sucking sink hole and fill it with expensive, overpriced gas which is supporting the lifestyle of some Saudi prince and facilitated by US oil companies who are ready to sell our National security to the highest bidder as is the over priced soda that I’m about to buy to pour into my bloated belly.

All I know is that there is no way that I’m going to get out of this situation with my dignity in tact.  I need the gas so I can go sit in mind numbing traffic and work to pay for some more gas. Is any of this making sense to you yet?  Me either…

So the pump begins to blow the gas into my tank and at the same time I feel the urge to pee. Putting the pump on automatic, the slowest position possible as I did not desire to fill my car up all the way, I go into the foreign owned gas station and ask if I can use the toilet. The guy behind the coulter rolls his eyes as if I had asked for a spare kidney and says that the restrooms are for employees only. I tell him that I’m going to piss all over his filthy floor and proceed to reach for my zipper, hoping that he doesn’t call my bluff.  I’m also hoping that I have not sunk so far down the evolutionary chain that I would actually pee on a gas station floor to prove something that I shouldn’t even be considering in the first place. But the thought is there, and the reality is that it is possible that I might one day find myself in the position that I might actually have to do it. .

Let’s put it this way, I’m thinking about pissing on a gas station floor and it actually seems to make sense.  So the guy, wiping his snot dripping nose on his sleeve, points in the direction of the back of the gas station which happens to be past the over priced high calorie junk food racks. 

I walked back to the toilet and a sign hanging off the door designating a co-op restroom is stick figure depicting a man and a woman that has been crudely changed with the addition of a huge set of pencil drawn boobies and a huge massive dick.  Very nice I think as I open the door that revealed the hell that inside. My nose hairs singed and I gagged and almost vomited onto the puddle of vomit that was already on the floor.  Daintily stepping over the vomit puddle I reach the toilet and unzip preparing to relieve myself into a shit filled toilet bowl that looked as if it hadn’t been flushed in a week.

Being that I was in such a hurry I did not properly tap, tap and I look down at my trousers to see a huge piss stain on my tan slacks. Great, now on top of everything else people will think I pissed my pants.  I exited the shit hole and prayed my car was still there.