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Earthquake Damage? Washington Monument Goes Limp                              

Fears Over Nations Virility Fuel Anxiety

By Hunter Thomas, Published December 19

Washington DC - Sometime last night, after 146 years of standing tall and erect, Washington’s favorite "stiffy" went limp, possibly from earthquake damage. One of the first to discover the sagging monument was Park Service employee, Greg Garcia. When Greg arrived at work this morning he could not believe his eyes. “I knew we were in trouble when I could not see the monument from across the river. When I arrived and saw it bent over like that, I turned around and went home because I knew that I would be blamed”.

In a statement issued by the National Park Service, spokesperson Sgt. Barry Miller told reporters that although it might be from the recent earthquake, the incident is currently under investigation, the preliminary results point to a faulty can of solvent that was used as part of the restoration process. He said. “It seems that by accident, the workers cleaning the middle section of the 146 year old monument had been accidentally given an experimental enzyme that dissolved cement and stone that was being tested by the Pentagon”.

The Pentagon responded with the following statement: "Although we are saddened by this unfortunate mishap, we want to say that those f****** b******** at the Park Police are a bunch of horse riding butt lickers who had no right to drag the Pentagons good name into what is obviously a weak attempt to spread the blame for what is a horrible travesty committed by those no good Horse F******. Besides, this thing has CIA written all over it."

In a telephone interview, CIA director Panetta said, “We had nothing to do with it. It was a water main break that caused the bend.” When asked how a water main break had anything to do with the structural damage he explained, “Since all the sexual affairs on Capitol Hill have a negative impact on Homeland Security, the water supply to the House and Senate have been significantly dosed with salt peter to curtail improper behavior with interns and the taking indecent pictures of themselves and posting them on the internet. Obviously it was the salt peter that caused the structural failure”. When this reporter said she didn't believe him, Hayden argued that since the addition of salt peter to the water not one member of the House or Senate had been caught with his pants down. When Newt Gingrich name was brought up the Director ended the interview.

Newt Gingrich showed up later in the morning and worked the crowd hawking free boxes of Viagra. When asked his reaction to the limp monument Newt turned to the gawking crowd and spoke with strength and conviction. "You know, it's a terrible thing that could have happened to any one of us." He then continued handing out more free Viagra samples.

President Obama wisely stayed away from the scene and issued a short statement in which he described how he "felt the pain of the sagging joint". The White House press office later denied that they had issued the statement. Workers will begin today to repair the damaged structure.