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Editorial

Why I am Anti‑Hand Gun

I'll tell you folks the truth. Nobody in the whole darn newsroom wanted to take a whack at this here article about hand guns. Well, now, a guy like me grows up around hand guns. They was a way of life where I am from. My granny, in fact was holdin' a rifle in her wedding picture she kept on the mantle. So I got to thinkin', maybe I had some prejudice about this here topic. Maybe I was biased and should take to the street and ask a lot of folks what they thinks about this here handgun controversy. So, the following here is stuff people said about handguns and such. Now, some of them was really nice people. Some other folk smelled real nice and all, but they was mean as waked up rattler snake. I got to thinkin' maybe we was better off with the rattlers.

"Hand guns? Why I would love a handgun! I would love to strap it to my thigh. And when I see someone weaving in and out of traffic at high speed‑‑boom. Boom, boom. Ahhh. On my way to soccer practice, those mother's outside dance class, the loser in the parking lot at the market. Boom. Customer service at cable tv, the phone company and people who make exercise videos. Boom. Boom. Bang."...Sharon Dicks, mother and domestic engineer.

"It is our constitutional right to bear arms. However, it seems like only street thugs and criminals are exercising their right, which endangers law‑abiding citizens. Of course, those of us who have drivers and step from our cars to our office and at night, go home to our walled subdivisions aren't in much danger." ...Robert Austin, Business Man.

"...@#$$$% blatant disregard for @#$$$% life! Those $#%$$%*!*$$& on Capitol Hill are nothing but war mongering #$#%$##&. They pollute our #$%%# water by protecting big industry with of their &&*&##6 money. Our air sucks, we are making a different animal species extinct all the time‑‑including us. Maybe they should get their heads out of their whores laps long enough to smell the coffee. We are @#&%$#$* dying out here man. We don't need hand guns on the street to kill us."...Arthur Jackson Lee, Naturalist.

"I am conflicted about this. I know 'the right to bear arms' is a corner stone of the constitution, but we live in a world with a lot of negative stimulation. There are people who publicly beat and degrade their children. There are men who are supposed to be dignified pillars of the community who ogle and grope waitresses young enough to be their granddaughters. There are women who are gold diggers and men who pick their noses at traffic lights. There are people who have 'cultural' permission to practice poor hygiene and fart aloud in public places like the metro and the CVS. I am not anti‑hand gun for some big moral reason. I am anti‑hand gun because I would shoot a lot of people every day."...Gayle Cleary, Minister.