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The
Washington Toast HOME POLITICS NEWS BEAT OPINIONS TOAST POLITICAL SHOP MULTIMEDIA DC COMEDY SCENE
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January 1, 2012 In the News Contestants Killed Filming Game Show Pilot Hillary Clinton Bank of America Joe Biden |
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Fears Over Nations Virility Fuel Anxiety By Hunter Thomas, Published December 23
Washington DC
- Sometime last night, after 146 years of standing tall and erect,
Washington's favorite "stiffy" went limp, possibly from
earthquake damage. One of the first to discover
the sagging monument was Park Service employee, Greg Garcia. When Greg
arrived at work this morning he could not believe his eyes.“I knew we
were in trouble when I could not see the monument from across the river.
When I arrived and saw it bent over like that, I turned around and went
home because I knew that I would be blamed”.
By: Hunter Thomas Published December 22 Washington DC ‑ U.S. Army helicopters yesterday conducted what was termed a pre‑emptive strike against the George Town Water Front. According to a source inside the Pentagon, Spec 4 Samual Simmons was in command of 6 choppers conducting a routine patrol of the Potomac Delta when he reported taking unfriendly fire from the George Town Sculling team. The choppers returned fire destroying the sculling team, fifteen small motor boats, 62 jet skis, and most of the water front area.
Could make Thanksgiving and Christmas Fowl By Caz Published November 22 An affected person can expect to experience the hormone's full effects in a matter of hours. If you eat a turkey sandwich for lunch, your beergut may become barrel-sized by the time your shift ends at work. If you go for a turkey dinner at 8 p.m., your boyfriend may kick you out of bed as early as 1 a.m. It has not yet been determined by doctors whether the extra flesh touts side effects in addition to the horrid looks people will give you when they see your ass the size of a small child. Supermarket
chains nationwide are still debating whether or not to pull turkeys from
their racks. Safeway has agreed to remove the brand of turkey Trukker
and Burk ate, if only the two could remember which brand it was. Unless
someone goes to the great length of going through one of the victims
garbage to find a Butterball or Louis Rich sticker, the chain says it
will have to wait until someone else becomes affected. The Washington
Post said that this story was not worth reporting.
Congress and Bank of America offer new program for people hurt by the economic downturn Congress has once again stepped up to the plate in its battle against the current economic slump by offering to provide citizens with access to free credit applications provided by Bank of America, for credit card and loan refinancing. The plan, calls for access to free applications for all who request them. “Well even throw in a pen to fill them out.” Said one beaming congressional staffer from Congressman Steny Homiers office. The Washington Post refused to report this story.
Bank of America
announces it will help home
Homeowners once again outraged By Hunter Thomas Published October 21
Shocked reporter rushed to hospital By Rocky Shapiro, October 26 Washington DC - House Speaker John Boehner told reporters today that he was painfully aware of the pain and suffering that was going on in America but that he could not vote for the jobs bill because it would “piss off his corporate donors.” Reporters, shocked at the truthfulness of his statement retorted. ‘Does that mean that you will be giving up your corporate sponsored trip next week to play golf in Boca Raton?’
By Jane Goodall, October 23
Somewhere in
Afghanistan - While on a surprise visit to Afghanistan Secretary of
State Hillary Clinton sat down with several troops to have lunch and was
handed a MRE by one of the troops sitting next to her. With a surprised
look on her face, she inquired about what had happened to the lunch that
she had brought with her from Washington D.C. which reportedly was
specially prepared by the White House Chef consisting of smoked Salmon
and scrambled Quayle eggs. The troops then insisted that she join them
for lunch.
Government says contaminated Fish is OK to eat By Julie Thomas Published November 19 Washington DC ‑ The Environmental Protection agency today announced that the Potomac river is once again safe for fishing. Following weeks of exhaustive investigations, the EPA announced that fish in the Potomac river were not deformed by chemical agents as reported in the Washington Post. Just four weeks ago local resident, Sammy Spitter, shocked health care officials with his catch of the day. Not knowing what he had caught, Mr. spitter told officials that he had never seen anything so nasty as the fish he pulled in last week. "Man that was some ugly mother ****ing fish!", Spitter is reported at telling EPA officials. EPA officials
told reporters gathered at this mornings hastily called press conference
that the fish were the result of natural evolution and that there was
nothing to fear from eating the fish. Dr. Karl Platanski announced that
after studying the fish, they could not figure out what kind they were.
It was not until the good doctor tasted the fish that he knew the
results. "These fish are the result of a natural process." He informed
the press.
Nuclear Sub Surfaces in Front of Jefferson Memorial Captain
claims he was not drinking that much Washington DC
-Yesterday afternoon a nuclear submarine surfaced in the tidal basin in
front of the Jefferson memorial sinking 128 paddle boats and surprising
hundreds of tourist. D.C. police and the Department of Defense quickly
quarantined off the grounds of the monument and conducted a through
search of the area. White house spokesman Larry Fischer told reporters
that "The president was aware of the situation and that all questions
should be reverted to the department of the Navy and the management of
the civilian run concession stand. As of 4:30 p.m. the casualty count
was 68 wounded civilians, four dead ducks, and 298 fish.
Arlington Police Use Heat Seeking Missiles to Curb
Illegal Cell Phone
Usage and Red Light Running
Arlington VA- Fairfax county Police Chief Morris Adle announced today that patrol cars would be equipped with surplus stinger missiles to enforce the illegal cell phone usage and red light running.
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Politics
METRO
Fire House Dog Accidentally Eaten During Bar-B-Que
Georgetown Police Report
Traffic &
Commuting
Reporters Note Book
How Ten Seconds can Change our Life
The True Cost of Higher Gas Prices Corporate America hits us where it counts
Print Edition
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Life Style
Around Town
Combine an addictive substance and humans waiting in line for it, and what do you get? Great stuff to write about.
Toasted Video of the Week Produced By Washington Toast Productions
Virgo (Aug. 23‑Sept. 22) A family member will apologize for a birthday catastrophe‑‑or the catastrophe of your birth. Accept with a smile, then turn them in for food stamp fraud.
Picture of the Week DC Monuments Fight Back
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Opinions and Commentary
The Myth of the 49 cent Biscuit
I'll tell you folks the truth.
Nobody in the whole darn newsroom wanted to take a whack at this here
article about hand guns.
Child and Family
Advice
Yes.. Yes I can. Send me a dollar and we'll talk about it!
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Army
Attack Helicopters Level 
Congress
Endorses “Bold New Economic Initiative”
Parking
Enforcement Officers Begin Blowing up Illegally Parked Cars at Regan
National
Dumpster
Diving on the Hill
Nuclear
Device Turns Up In Area Playground
Letter
to the Dead Girl
In
Search of my Past
Interview
with Satan
Why I'm Anti Handgun
